I went to the neurosurgeon yesterday. Since July, my back has been giving me ever bigger problems. I guess I shouldn't say that they have been increasing, there keep being setbacks. It took 6 months to figure out how to fix the most recent issues I've been having with my back. That took me to December and I was really starting to feel better over the holidays. In January, we had some snow and I slipped on the ice in the parking lot at school and landed hard on the side where I have been having problems. Major setback. I hurt a lot more for several weeks. Then, I finally started getting better and feeling hopeful again. Unfortunately, my hope was for not as, one afternoon after school, I picked up my workbag to carry it into the house and felt an explosion of pain right in my spine. I've had considerably more pain since. It's gotten better in the last week or so since my physical therapist changed my exercises but I was worried that I had herniated another disk with this lifting episode. I went for another MRI on Friday to find out.
That takes me to yesterday's trip to the neurosurgeon. He assured me that I do not have another herniated disk and that I do not need surgery.
This, to me, is both good and bad news. I don't want surgery. It's incredibly painful, it will take a long time to fully recover from it and it will cost a lot of money. I'd have to miss a month of school and it would just be awful. But, if the disk isn't the problem, what is? I'm still hurting, so something is obviously wrong. Although I don't want surgery, I think I was kind of hoping I would need it because then there would be something obviously wrong that is fixable. Instead, I am left with back pain of indefinite origin, and indefinite length and undetermined fixability. I can't continue my daily activities without pain, I can't exercise for my health (and my sanity). I can't ride (which I enjoy very much). I have difficulty teaching and caring for my child and, although I desperately want to get pregnant again, I can't even try until my back returns to a more stable state.
So, where do I go from here? I take every day one day at a time. Today, I am going to bed early so I can get up and walk tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will walk 10 minutes on the treadmill. The next day, I will try to walk more. Soon, I will go to the pain clinic and try some diagnostic tests to find out what structure in my back is causing the problem so that we can figure out what therapy to try next.
I have to keep hope alive that I will be pain free again. God has plans for me, even though I freely admit I don't agree with the current tack he's been taking. In my life, God has always made lemonade from the poor choices and plans that I've made. Sometimes, I truly made poor choices. Other times, he knew what I needed long before I could ever see it. In hindsight, the way he arranged things has always been the best. because of his guidance (or "interference" as I would call it at the time) I am married to a wonderful, sweet man, I have amazing friends who love me and support me in ways I never knew was possible. I have a great job only walking distance from my house at a great school and a beautiful baby girl who is just starting to button her own clothes. Even when I want to shake my fist and cry out at God in frustration or anger (and believe, I do), I have to remember where he's brought me and what would have happened if he'd been listening to my plans instead of following his.
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2 comments:
Sorry to hear about your back! Having been there with Jon, I know how frustrating the whole back pain experience is. And you're right, things do seem to work out in the end!
oh sweetie!! I agree that it's a double edged sword to not have to face surgery but also not know when the pain is going to end. Good (healing) thoughts to you. In the meantime, happy to have Katie over to play so you can get something done... like rest a bit.
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